Commit

I hate my brain. It's an hate relationship that's been going on for a decade, I think, ever since I realized that I'm actually a bit limited. Limited in the sense that the environment I live and work in operates in a certain way: systematic, structured, precise, while my brain is constantly wandering and jumping from one thought (and one task) to another. I hate this about myself. I've spent weeks of my life reading books about productivity, watching videos on how to organize my weeks and calendars, setting up Notion, Obsidian, Evernote, Todoist and every other tool you can think of. The result has always been the same: abandoning these tools and their best practices to operate in the only way my brain knows how: - Wake up in the morning without knowing what I'm going to do - Do random things - Go to bed frustrated Yes, I'm good at my job, and that, without ever having a single job interview in my life, has taken me from my first gigs to making over 5K a month freelancing (and without ever looking for new clients, they've all come to me organically). But it's a bit like going to school and doing well in almost every subject without ever opening a book at home. You're just lucky that your brain picks things up, but you lack the gift of focus and dedication that would allow you to truly excel. I think this problem has also, over the years, affected my memory. I often can't remember in detail what I did the day before, and I keep not writing anything down, without really knowing why. I used to think I just needed the right tool. Now there's AI. But even with AI, I'm terrible at keeping track of what I do or what I need to do. I mean, all I'd have to do is talk to an agent and tell it to remind me of things, but I don't. I keep asking myself, day after day, why all of this happens. There are a few explanations I give myself, but none of them really convince me:

I have some kind of attention disorder (dysgraphia or dyslexia?) I don't really want to put 100% effort into things because I'm afraid of failing, so I only try hard enough not to feel guilty I hate what I do. Maybe deep down I don't love this world and just want an ordinary, low-IQ job where I come home physically exhausted but satisfied because I've given everything without having to use any of my intellect. I don't have the courage to chase my dreams. I should quit my job, focus only on what I believe would make me wake up every morning ready to take on the world, and just go for it. But my brain says, "You're too lucky. You found these clients who pay you, you live a comfortable life without ever having to go through a job interview, and now you'd really throw it all down the drain to chase a dream?"

I think this, from the bottom of my heart, is the one big reason why I don't feel fulfilled or happy. I always have the instinct to blame other people when they waste my time with things I consider pointless, even though I know perfectly well that most of the days I spend at home, with nobody bothering me, are days when I never really accomplish anything concrete. Days wasted dreaming about doing this and that without ever actually doing this and that. This condition is hard to deal with because sometimes it makes you hate people who manage to be better than you, more organized than you, more capable than you. But I've learned to manage that part. At least now I don't take it out on others. I know I'm the problem. There's no moral to this post, no lesson for anyone, least of all for me. It's just that sometimes things need to be said and if I say them here, someone will read them, and it'll be a bit like admitting it, like laying myself bare about this part of me that, as I said at the beginning, makes me hate my brain.